Esmaspäev, 14. september 2015

That's my golden rule: if your heart feels empty, start to tidy up !

I myself would be the very first I would lie to by saying that the past week was a good and nice one. No, it wasn't. Many good things did happen, of course... But... Once again I realized just how much friends' support matters. Thank you ! I think I will feel joy once again when I will have posted this.
But this morning I just drank my coffee with a feeling of numbness, and all of a sudden started tidying up. Slowly in the beginning, and then with more and more energy. If there is no order in my soul, then at least let my home be clean and tidy. I have a feeling that my soul is all black... I know that's not true !
Now in the evening it feels quite nice.But
the TV set is not switched on, and there's no music playing, which is totally unlike me. This happens very rarely. Almost never, in fact... I just can't be in silence – then it seems to me that life has vanished... or will vanish... But today I can. And I wish to.
In the evening, while eating warm sandwiches (now that was a nice one – I had to keep trying to open my new Delma for a good half an hour, it just refused to open. I fought with my margarine – finally I just started laughing, but didn't give up. That's more like me, isn't it !), I thought, and thought, and thought...
Now there are two possibilities: either my life will take a turn for something very positive, or there will be no change whatsoever... I still hope the first option will prove correct... How could it possibly be otherwise !
Have I loved too much, or maybe too little... What if I don't even know what love is all about... Maybe I just cheat with my shine – i.e. maybe I am just not supposed to be who I really am...
Why does my past again and again come to accompany me... Is it really so hard to let go of the past... To forgive... To peacefully go on with one's life... To trust oneself and one's present/future... It isn't so hard, after all ! Quite honestly, it is a hundred times easier to go on without resentment and anger... Such an idea may seem a cliché or whatever, but it is true all the same. And I still do forgive, even without being noticed, in my own heart...
I know I am alone. But not lonely. I believe I will never be quite alone again... Why, how I cope or don't cope on my own – that remains a mystery for many people... It's just that I have learnt to fight for myself while still caring for other people. Sometimes even my assistants don't understand how I can cope without them. In fact, sometimes I don't get it myself ! But in the end everything will be taken care of...
I've got used to being alone. Not stuck out. Actually, it isn not something one should resign to. Ever since my childhood I have come to terms with being alone, as a result of two words: “wait” and “be patient”. I knew back then and I know now that I mustn't be a burden to anybody. There will be the right moment, and somebody will come, help, be there, understand...
Even the closest ones have to be able to live their own life.
And I mine.
That's the normal way of life.
I only wish that the trust towards life may not get lost... That would be the most terrible thing...
I'm weak. Today. I know. Sometimes even the strongest woman may feel weak. Without being ashamed. Since she is just a woman, after all ;)

Tomorrow I will continue tidying up in my back room...
I'm sure my heart will also once again be full of clear and bright joy...
Or maybe it is there already...

Oh, and there will be my exhibition in Pärnu soon. For a little longer than just one day this time.
This is already a little piece of joy !

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