6 A and 6 B

I met with two grades. The pupils were nice and constructive. They asked lots of questions and tried to paint with their leg or mouth which turned out real cool.
The teacher Aleksandra was nice, too, and understood me quite well.
I hope I managed to make the kids think.
I myself got energized and even more convinced that such meetings with kids in the schools are something I want to go on doing and that need to be done. )

The past weekend...

... has been cool, and so will be the next week.

I was in Tallinn, just like that. I met my friend Anne. No serious reason to go this time. One can just go and have a good time for no reason. Then again, one's own little holiday may be a good enough reason. I did take some paperwork with me, but last night I just “forgot” it and sat comfortably in front of the telly... Something I hadn't done for quite a long time, too.
At home the TV set is constantly switched on in the evening, but I seldom just sit comfortably curled up with my chin against my knees, staring at the screen... :)

I think tomorrow will be a cool working day.
I will again go to the Recreational Learning Centre of Jacob’s Hill: the teachers of the Catholic Education Centre want me to meet with every class separately. So I will have several lesson-meetings with the pupils on two days next week. At least three times 45 minutes instead of one opening ceremony. I'm starting to feel like an art teacher already :) Still, I'm a little bit nervous, too...

As of today, I've been a mother of three for 21 years... I sure have not been as good at it as I wished and dreamed, but I still think I have done my best … Now it's my children's turn to live their life so that they may be happy, regardless to what life may have in store for them, and give their best. :) They all have so much more opportunities for everything tha I did...

Work and play

So, since yesterday I have been working hard. Today I wrote down the budget, etc. for my personal assistant service for next year. Again and again I must repeat that the budget looks beautiful as well as shocking. But I can't help it, if I want to live. What a simple wish, isn't it – to LIVE. And no reaching for the stars in the sky. The sum in the budget is about 10.000, plus additional expenses. I myself sure will have to cover more than half of it since I don't think nor hope that the local authority or the Republic of Estonia will kindly support me in the amount of 10.000.

Isn't it interesting – the work ability reform stipulated quite substantial amounts of money to be allotted for the personal assistant service, as I know from well-informed sources. Where have they all vanished ? The reform has been postponed, at the same time there is no sign of the extra time being used for making the necessary changes – but one can't postpone LIVING... Or what do you think ?

Anyway, now I'm going to have some cake and coffee for I think that I/we deserve some cake and rest.

Putting up my 35th exhibition – without pink colour ...

...in the Recreational Learning Centre of Jacob’s Hill:

The first overview. The question is, what to do about the room and the paintings in the first place. How to design the room.

Shall we hang all paintings on the wall or just let the exhibition happen on the floor

Found a piano in the exhibition hall.

How about moving from painting to piano...

That's what the first wall of the exhibition looks like

With Helena from the Recreational Learning Centre of Jacob’s Hill who just in the right moment happened to ask if I would agree to organize an exhibition in their house

The rehab centre in Pärnu had just said that it didn't suit them, after all...

There was maximum one day between the negative answer and the new proposal...

So today we put up the exhibition.

Thank you to my supergood team: Kaari, Helerin, Leho and Joonas who contributed to making the exhibition a success !

The next thing to happen will be a meeting with the pupils...

By the bye, today was also historical as far as my outfit was concerned – there was no single pink spot in it. This is something new ! My PA Kaari who had just returned from the States and is back again working for me was also surprised to see that I wasn't wearing anything pink... One has to make changes in one's image from time to time ! :)

Massage or high time to become a chick :)

I decided to finally start taking care of myself. Including physically.

Today I had a massage. At Johanna's.
When Johanna was my personal assistant, there just was no time for other things... The roles were different. Plus, there seemed to be no time, i.e. PA hours, left over for going to enjoy myself in some massage salon, so the thought remained the thought.

The dream remained the dream.
So today my dream was accomplished. :)
I guess I still was able to surprise Johanna... For example, she didn't know if I was able to lie on my stomach... We thought that a personal assistant who had been with me for over a year should know a great deal about me. But that's not true ! I can say that I am able to stand on my heads if need be ! Only standing upright is questionable – or maybe it's just a selective disability :) (There are the severe, grave and intermediate degree of disability, but they say I have a selective disability, or in other words, complacency. :) Or that's what my friends have come to believe in recent times. And myself, too !
And, sometimes I actually sleep on my stomach.
I was very much satisfied with that hour of massage !

Now you ask, why I don't make use of the rehabilitation services that I'm entitled to. Firstly, it gives me the feeling of being on some kind of a conveyor – meaning that that's something I have to do lest I'll lose some other opportunities ... Secondly, a couple of sessions of massage or therapeutic gymnastics per year sure wouldn't be of any use for me... Thirdly, I have lots of negative impressions related to therapeutic gymnastics sessions in different hospitals... The last time I went there I was told that my neck was so weak that I had maximum 10 years left to live... That was at the Maarjamõisa hospital where I made use of my rehabilitation benefit – for the first and last time. My feet kept falling asleep while I was sleeping, so I thought that maybe I would get some help... But to no avail ! As of today I have been around for much more than 10 years – and I still am! Who would care to use the rehabilitation benefit after such experiences ... Money doesn't help by itself... I am not saying that rehabilitation plans or benefits are not necessary. On the contrary.

My today's complaint was that I seemed to have pulled a right foot muscle by lifting a bucket with water for washing the floor. We grinned – that's not exactly the most usual thing to hear from massage clients. Most people have their hands worn out with lifting...

I believe this autumn or winter I'll be able to schedule some massage, swimming, and maybe some other sessions where I will take care of my body. I want to look as good 25 years from now !!! Every self-respecting lady goes in for various training sessions and visits all sorts of parlours :D – special needs or no special needs...
I recommend Johanna's massage for everybody !

My new but still unfinished painting

The title will be "Yearning".
It may seem that the painting is ready. Not for me, though. Some places need more paint. Some more collying. Not very much but still... The painting will be ready when one doesn't find a place to add paint to. And then, glazing.
The work has been stopped for a couple of weeks. I just have not had the couple of hours' inspiration to be able to finish the “Yearning”.
The idea to paint the “Yearning” has come from inside myself, music and some videos have also contributed... I myself believe that the result will be real cool :)

Exhibition cancelled, another one about to open

There will be no exhibition in Pärnu since the people who were eager to organize it discovered just yesterday that there was NO free wall available for it, after all... For a couple of months I had been under the impression that the exhibition was very much anticipated there. All the more so because I think the place – rehabilitation centre - is an important one for quite a few people in Pärnu. I was suggested another place for the exhibition but my question is whether it would be really accessible for everyone. I sure will find out.
Isn't it funny – even a ramp doesn't always lead to an exhibition... In a rehab centre, wherever it may be located, there still ought to be room for art. Art so important for the soul ! Quite often our soul also needs replenishing – even more than our physical body...
But this morning I learnt that the Recreational Learning Centre of Jacob’s Hill:https://www.facebook.com/Jakobi-M%C3%A4e-Kultuurikoda-157593044253960/timeline/    . would like to have my exhibition. Once again in Tartu, that's true, but I believe there it will be seen by a quite different kind of audience who so far have had no opportunity to see my works. And by many young people.

So, the exhibition in Pärnu will be postponed until further notice.
And, my exhibition calendar is full until March 2016 :)

That's my golden rule: if your heart feels empty, start to tidy up !

I myself would be the very first I would lie to by saying that the past week was a good and nice one. No, it wasn't. Many good things did happen, of course... But... Once again I realized just how much friends' support matters. Thank you ! I think I will feel joy once again when I will have posted this.
But this morning I just drank my coffee with a feeling of numbness, and all of a sudden started tidying up. Slowly in the beginning, and then with more and more energy. If there is no order in my soul, then at least let my home be clean and tidy. I have a feeling that my soul is all black... I know that's not true !
Now in the evening it feels quite nice.But
the TV set is not switched on, and there's no music playing, which is totally unlike me. This happens very rarely. Almost never, in fact... I just can't be in silence – then it seems to me that life has vanished... or will vanish... But today I can. And I wish to.
In the evening, while eating warm sandwiches (now that was a nice one – I had to keep trying to open my new Delma for a good half an hour, it just refused to open. I fought with my margarine – finally I just started laughing, but didn't give up. That's more like me, isn't it !), I thought, and thought, and thought...
Now there are two possibilities: either my life will take a turn for something very positive, or there will be no change whatsoever... I still hope the first option will prove correct... How could it possibly be otherwise !
Have I loved too much, or maybe too little... What if I don't even know what love is all about... Maybe I just cheat with my shine – i.e. maybe I am just not supposed to be who I really am...
Why does my past again and again come to accompany me... Is it really so hard to let go of the past... To forgive... To peacefully go on with one's life... To trust oneself and one's present/future... It isn't so hard, after all ! Quite honestly, it is a hundred times easier to go on without resentment and anger... Such an idea may seem a cliché or whatever, but it is true all the same. And I still do forgive, even without being noticed, in my own heart...
I know I am alone. But not lonely. I believe I will never be quite alone again... Why, how I cope or don't cope on my own – that remains a mystery for many people... It's just that I have learnt to fight for myself while still caring for other people. Sometimes even my assistants don't understand how I can cope without them. In fact, sometimes I don't get it myself ! But in the end everything will be taken care of...
I've got used to being alone. Not stuck out. Actually, it isn not something one should resign to. Ever since my childhood I have come to terms with being alone, as a result of two words: “wait” and “be patient”. I knew back then and I know now that I mustn't be a burden to anybody. There will be the right moment, and somebody will come, help, be there, understand...
Even the closest ones have to be able to live their own life.
And I mine.
That's the normal way of life.
I only wish that the trust towards life may not get lost... That would be the most terrible thing...
I'm weak. Today. I know. Sometimes even the strongest woman may feel weak. Without being ashamed. Since she is just a woman, after all ;)

Tomorrow I will continue tidying up in my back room...
I'm sure my heart will also once again be full of clear and bright joy...
Or maybe it is there already...

Oh, and there will be my exhibition in Pärnu soon. For a little longer than just one day this time.
This is already a little piece of joy !

Sometimes questions just keep raining down, and there is no answer... It seems you know that there must be an answer, but then again, that there is none. The questions are the same, after all. Quite often one has the feeling this or that question has got a satisfying answer, that this question has become a thing of the past now.
But then one discovers that it is all a mere mirage.

To be or not to be ?

This is the question.
Always.

Blinker lights!

I  have been driving around by car a lot this year. More often than by bus. Whatever. But, while sitting on the passenger seat, I still try to watch out for the traffic. Among other things because one of my big dreams is to buy a car some day. I believe a prospective car owner has to feel “at home” in the traffic.
But in recent times I have started noticing that for some people it seems to be troublesome to show the blinker lights. They are just not shown.

This keeps creating dangerous situations on the roads and streets.
I feel really sorry for people whose life career blinker lights are twinkling brightly, and then, one single failure to switch on the real life blinker light may switch of the life career blinker lights for several people...

Life is fragile.
Everything that is there may vanish in a heartbeat... And then one will have a hard time thinking about what is still left...

Yesterday I watched cursorily a program called “Feeling at Home” while folding up the laundry and putting it away in the cupboard. A young woman lost her family and home, her job and health, due to somebody's fault...
Yesterday, after watching the program, I wrote in FB:
“And again I wonder, where does love vanish when one realizes that a loved one will remain disabled... How come a loving parent can no longer be a loving parent when one of the two is no longer able to love... I understand that one may lose strength for some time, but love... Love that should give strength to both partners in every situation... Why do peole dare to “teach” the kids to dislike their loving parent... And how come we are not able to keep up love in our heart when we are able to teach a patient walk again... And, I am not referring here to one isolated case... I don't know just how many families there are where a single moment has changed the life of one/or rather, several people... That moment or a dramatic event puts love to test for years...

Today I have been thinking about that the feeling of a cozy home is still all about love. But, as I see it, we try to take much more care for our physical part than for our mind/soul. Maybe the problem is that we are still not actually able to explain and fix what is going on in our heart. Pain leaves also a stain in the heart but we are not able to see it. But we can see a physical defect, and for some reason this feels scarier.
I remembered a documental I once saw about a foreign miracle doctor who actually runs a clinic of his own. He said that a healthy soul is what matters most, so actually a person in a wheelchair can be healthy, and his/her situation serves a purpose, and so he as a doctor can do nothing to help.
Then people looked at me.
I laughed and said that I was going to buy the plane tickets and come back on my own two legs.
Then I was asked if that was my intention...
I knew at once that I wouldn't be able to change my direction.
Today I am certain, as I have been all my life that I am not sad about not having legs that can walk.

 
There is something I am really afraid, though – that one day I might become totally bedridden... Being in a wheelchair doesn't mean that something worse may not happen to me... (KNOCK ON WOOD X3 !)

A confused and complicated talk...

At the same time I sometimes have the feeling that the attitude towards people with special needs hasn't really changed. There is no strength to understand and love them, and relate to them as equals...

My old “legs” are better !

A repair season has come for my wheelchairs. I thought about asking for a new one from the technical aids centre... I can't recall by heart, just how long have I been bucketing around with these two wheelchairs, but it must be well over 10 years.

So I did ask for a new one. I have fetched my indoor wheelchair and taken the outdoor one to be checked up.

The answer was: the wheelchairs I am using currently are better, and btw, more expensive than similar new ones. And they can be repaired and so will last for some more time... I mean, I will again be able to belt around !

Why, on one hand it's nice to know that my old “legs” are still quite usable. I have got well used to them.

On the other hand, however, it's weird that the newer wheelchairs suitable for me are actually not better, they have got just one function, whereas the ones I'm using currently have several... At first sight one of the new ones seemed even clumsier...

I will look for the possibilities some more. I am getting curious !

And, I have been thinking about my very own supergood wheelchair, designed specially for me, including its colour... Its height, and width, and weight... My own wheelchair sure would be more expensive, but...

I sure wouldn't want an electric wheelchair. There is nothing I could do with it.

Announcement: Open Stage on October 8th at 18.00

 

In the evening of October 8^th from 18.00 till 21.00 all old and new fans will have the opportunity to participate in the Open Stage organized under the auspices of the Nordic Board of Examiners and experience and/or wonder what kind of a magic power psychodrama has.

The Open Stage will take place simultaneously in 7 countries – Sweden, Norway, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Germany and Switzerland.

I will carry through the Open Stage for the second time together with Maarja. This time our topic will be:"How to walk towards happiness?!" This theme, as we believe, an intriguing one, just suddenly appeared this morning out of nowhere. Spontaneously. For me personally the theme of happiness is a very close one: what is happiness, what or who do we need to find our happiness, is happiness a momentary feeling or a constant state of mind, etc. Also, we sure may ask the question how psychodrama has made us happier...
Our workshop will probably take place in Tartu. We will try to find an accessible venue since we hope that all kinds of people will join us on the Open Stage: in a wheelchair, on their own two legs, in whatever way. Let's come together and be happy !

September 1st - autumn

On many-many occasions September 1st has brought big changes into my life. Going to school, of course.
And then, September 1st eight years ago when I became grantee of the Mouth and Foot Painters Association.
And, in my most personal and secret life that date has become one where with tears of joy in my eyes I realized that a life full of excitement and happiness was going to start. Thankfully at that moment I couldn't imagine any troubles or worries. 
Even today I am thinking about changing something. I am not yet crystal clear about what it might be. Something will have to develop. That thought has been ticking in my head for quite a while. 

But autumn is my favourite season. Autumn is so much like me. Colourful. Joyful. Somber. Unpredictable. Stormy.

Actually I don't like autumn evenings. They are so dark and bleak. I have often felt lonely in autumn evenings. The interesting thing is that in other seasons loneliness feels more bearable than in the autumn. Maybe because the darkest times of my life coincided with the autumn... But, on the other hand, so did the happiest days of my life...

Who knows what this autumn will bring... I still hope it will bring positivity, good moments and nice surprises. Lots of things to busy myself with. Encounters. Adventures. And so on...
Maybe I will put up with autumn evenings, after all :)

The summer of 2015...

... is almost over – although in the calendar it lasts for almost another month...

I will be honest with myself and admit that this was not the summer of dreams nor surprises. There were too many problems and tears shed in my pillow I have knowingly been silent about. After all, not all worries and joys are meant to be shared with the audience :)
I liked August best this year. I guess it was because in August hot summer weather came and stayed for quite a while. I like hot weather with temperatures over + 25 :) And then there was Kihnu, and Olustvere, and Paide... Soomaa in June...
I have been quite mobile !

But I had no opportunity to go swimming... I guess the last summer's swimming was meant to make up for all those times before and after when there was no possibility to do it. And, this year I couldn't go to the forest to pick strawberries nor chanterelles... Why, last summer really was the summer of my dreams, where every day there was a little sparklet of positivity.
There were such moments this year, too, but somehow I have no vivid recollection of them.
Anyway, every summer can't be vivid or a summer of my dreams ! Otherwise they would be all alike in the end – and it would also be boring.
At least there is hope that the next summer will be the best !

I am still thankful that those three months of summer were as they were ! There was lots of joy after all.

That rainbow from Olustvere

A couple of hours ago we returned from Olustvere. Somehow, engaged in a lively chat, we missed the right turn-off for Tartu, but as a compensation for that we saw near Leie a stupendously superbeautiful rainbow spreading itself over the whole heaven, the like of which neither me nor Maarja nor Leho had never seen before. I tried to memorize the rainbow – it would make a very nice new painting...
It seemed as if the rainbow tried to remind me for one moment more of what I had experienced in Olustvere, at an international psychodrama conference – tips about how to conduct a good, useful and interesting psychodrama session, and what to do about my own life.

Olustvere 2013

 

Two years ago, sitting on the windowsill of the fireplace room of the Olustvere manor, I thought about my wishes and dreams...
I sensed all along that one wish and dream remained somehow incomplete, but I couldn't work out, in what way...
Yesterday, entering the same room, I suddenly realized clearly how this dream can be completed...
That's incredible.
I don't know how and when this will happen, and if it will be exactly the way I would like it, but one way or another, this dream will be fulfilled. So far it is halfway fulfilled...
Dream has force.
Thought has force.
Psychodrama has force.
Last night I lighted a candle to celebrate the Night of Ancient Lights. All the conference participants did. On the stone balustrade in front of the manor house there was a long row of candles. For me it was the first time to celebrate the Night of Ancient Lights.
I got an opportunity to dance, which I had not had for quite a while, although by the evening I somehow had lost the dancing mood.
 

My little exhibition on the great hall windowsill was really a success and for me even a happy one. I was asked lots of questions which had not happened for a long time. The Finnish ladies watched my paintings and asked lots of questions. One of them even knew very well that there is the Mouth and Foot Painters Association. What greater joy for a painter than when his/her work gets attention !

It was also nice to see Johanna. Actually, we met at a similar event two years ago.
One more personal thing that I noticed secretly – there were quite a few people who didn't shy away from helping me to move around. There was no need for my personal assistant to be at arm's length all the time, which Leho practically was, but at some moments some people were quicker to help. That was cool !